Plans and Impulses
by Merisel
Summary: Jazz gets a little help from Glen, and Ironhide sees some noncombat action. Warning: This is NC17. Smut alert! Contains humanholo smut. AN This is yet another followup to the previous crackfics.


"Just how did this happen, Jazz?" Ratchet politely asked, as he scanned his friend's systems.

"Sam." A tiny spasm traveled through him at the memory, drawing a reproachful look from the medic. "Sorry, but that boy can fry your circuits."

"Sam caused your processors to flood?"

"Oh, yeah. Yesterday." Jazz nodded, and relayed the experience to Ratchet.

"Interesting... I had not thought of that technique."

"You're missin' out, man."

"I shall have to keep that in mind," mused Ratchet.

Jazz grinned at him.

Ironhide came into the med bay, carrying what looked like a long, black board and grumbling about being turned into a moving van.

"That goes in the corner over there," Ratchet directed him.

"Yeah, yeah..."

Jazz looked in that direction and saw the bed, right before Ironhide very carefully unfolded the large silk screen around it. "A bed, eh?" He grinned. "Tried it out yet?"

"We will. Tonight." Ratchet smiled, looking forward to it.

"...wouldn't mind mating with her, either..." muttered Ironhide. He turned around to find both Jazz and Ratchet looking at him. _Primus, did I say that out loud? _He straightened to his full height, hoping they'd been too preoccupied to notice his slip. "What're you looking at?"

Jazz tilted his head, puzzled, and curious. "I thought you didn't much like humans."

"Yeah, well...some of 'em are okay..."

"You want to mate with Maggie?" A frown was forming on Ratchet's face.

Ironhide grimaced, trying to think of something conciliatory to say. What kind of malfunction made him blurt that out?

Ratchet gave Ironhide a long look, then turned back to the task at hand.

"--maybe she has a sister?" Jazz suggested.

"Hmph." Ironhide glowered at Jazz, avoided looking at Ratchet, and stomped out of the room.

Jazz decided against further comments, and kept quiet while Ratchet finished mending the two strained processors.

"All right, you're done."

"Thanks." Jazz stood and headed for the door. "See ya later."

"No doubt I will," predicted Ratchet.

Jazz flashed him a grin on his way out, and went to the living area. Sam, Mikaela and Bumblebee were lined up in front of the television. Ironhide gave him a 'keep your mouth closed or else' look. Jazz shrugged in response, but did make a point of glancing over at Maggie, just to irk him. Ironhide scowled, then concentrated on checking his weapons.

Maggie was standing by the new espresso machine, having a rather disjointed conversation on her cell phone. "Glen, no... We all agreed..." She paused, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "That's just great, Glen... When are you coming over? ...fine... Thanks for the warning," she finished, sarcastically, before hanging up.

"What was that about?" asked Sam.

"Glen somehow tore himself away from his video games long enough to find the empty swimming pool out back. He's dragging his cousin over here to help him clean it." Aggravated, Maggie dragged her fingers through her hair. "He just doesn't think things through sometimes."

"He's spastic," Mikaela stated.

"Did he tell his cousin about us?" Ironhide demanded.

"No, he swears he didn't." Maggie sighed. "All Glen told him was that this is a hideout of ours, his and mine. Which means everyone else has to either hide or leave."

"Hold on a sec. Can we use that much water without tipping someone off?" Sam asked, worried about the Autobots' secret base being discovered by outsiders.

"Yeah, sure. We'll take care of that," Jazz answered, confidently. "Just need to hack into the water company's system, do a little creative 'adjustments'. No worries."

"Okay.. That's a relief," Sam said.

Bumblebee made a disgruntled sound and stood up. "When are they going to be here?"

"In about an hour," Maggie told him, not eager for the arguing that was bound to happen with those two. "We'll need to lock the other doors, especially the medical bay door."

"And hide our computers," added Mikaela.

"Yeah." Sam nodded. "We can go visit the city, or camp out in med bay."

"The city," Ironhide was quick to decide. "There's--more to see there."

"Ok, that's settled, then." Mikaela began unhooking her computer. The med bay would be the safest place for it. Sam followed her lead, while Maggie went to tell Optimus.

* * *

Optimus was less than pleased with the news. He did not want a dozen more Glen-like humans invading their home.

"I'll make sure Glen gets the message, Optimus," she promised. "Even if I have to threaten to set fire to his cd library."

"Thank you, Maggie." He nodded to her, then transformed.

"You're welcome," she replied as he rolled out. Now for Ratchet.

* * *

"You'll be in the city all day?" Ratchet asked, perturbed.

"Actually, no, I think I'd better stay here. Make sure Glen and his cousin don't try to steal the t.v." She smiled up at the tall Autobot. "But I think I'll be spending some time in here as well."

That changed his mood quickly. "I would like that."

"So will I." She ran her hand over his foot, before heading back to the living room where the others were about to leave.

"Wanna ride with me, Sam?"

"Sure, Jazz," Sam said, after a brief hesitation. Except for a remark or two, Jazz had pretty much behaved himself since that 'incident' yesterday. Maybe Ratchet purged his systems, or something. "I can go check out the other mall."

"To buy new swim trunks?" Jazz teased, with a slight grin. A plan was forming, and he had to be careful not to make Sam suspicious in the meantime.

"Maybe..." Sam drawled. "Ready to go, Mikaela?

"Just about," she said, getting herself an espresso to go. "Maybe we can catch a movie, too."

"Sounds good to me."

"Have a good time," Maggie told them.

"Thanks, Maggie," Sam replied.

"Good luck with Glen," added Mikaela.

The three Autobots changed to vehicle mode, with Ironhide heading out first, ahead of Jazz and Bumblebee.

* * *

"This is nice..." Maggie purred, several hours later. She couldn't think of a better way to spend a weekend afternoon than just lying in a soft bed, in Ratchet's arms.

"It is," Ratchet agreed, nuzzling her neck.

"Mmmm... Very nice..." She twisted around to kiss him, knowing how much he liked that part of their time together.

He smiled and tightened his arms around Maggie, then told her, "Ironhide expressed a desire to mate with you."

"He...what?!"

"I believe he wishes to mate with you," Ratchet repeated.

"Good Lord..." Maggie stared at him, astonished. "Ironhide? You're kidding!"

"Not at all. Actually, his exact wording was 'I wouldn't mind mating with her'."

"...well, that's flattering..." she said. The Autobots certainly were full of surprises; she really no idea Ironhide felt that way. He was just...Ironhide. She shook her head. No doubt he was just being flippant, but to say that to Ratchet? Maggie looked back up at him. He didn't seem all that offended by Ironhide's remark. "You and he are very close, aren't you?"

"Yes. There was a time when we'd shared everything," he answered, thoughtful. The war had disrupted more than he'd realized. "It's been several millennia since we last joined sparks."

"You've joined sparks with Ironhide?"

He nodded. "Yes. Long ago."

"That's...interesting." Maggie looked over at the silk screen. It was really hard to picture those two together. Ironhide always seemed so stand-offish, not to mention obsessed with weaponry.

"Interesting indeed." Ratchet chuckled, then grasped her chin, turning her gaze back to him. "Would you want to?"

"What, mate with Ironhide?" She gave him a blank look. How did they even get on that subject, anyway? "Maybe after a few shots of tequila..."

"You require alcohol?" Ratchet asked. "That could be arranged, if you wish."

Maggie shook her head again, then decided to put an end to this discussion. She slid over on top of Ratchet.

"Let's not talk about Ironhide right now," she said, rubbing against him. She laughed when Ratchet growled and rolled, settling on top of her. That tactic never failed to distract him.

* * *

"Hey, Jazz! Why don't you come on in? The water's warm."

"No, thanks." Jazz hung back from the pool, letting Sam think he was wary of the water. "Why don't you ditch those trunks?"

Sam laughed. "In front of you? No way!"

Jazz pretended disappointment. "You're no fun."

Sam grinned, then swam toward the deep end. It was just now starting to get dark out. Maybe they should put up some big street lamps around the pool. Some late night swimming would be cool.

Jazz took that opportunity to approach Glen. "Glen, there's something I need you to do for me."

"Yeah, Jazz? What?" Glen asked, getting out of the pool. His cousin had gone home to 'chill', but he'd opted to stay and enjoy some swimming instead of video games this time.

"Before you go to that convention tomorrow, would you bring over some chlorine for the pool?"

"Chlorine? Hell, no. That stuff stinks bad, man."

"That may be, but it is an effective disinfectant."

"But we just filled the pool!" Glen objected. "The water's fine!"

"At the moment it is, but you, Sam, Mikaela, and Maggie do spend time in public places, which are havens for bacteria, and you'll all be swimming in this pool. It must be kept as clean as possible. Any number of germs could fester in the water. As well as--"

"Ok, ok, I got it," Glen interrupted. "I'll get some of the stuff and stick it in tonight. We can all just take showers after."

Jazz nodded, all seriousness. "Which should be done anyway, after swimming."

Glen nodded in turn. "Yeah... Yeah, you're right."

"Thank you, Glen." Jazz smiled and went back inside the building.

* * *

"Hey, who put chlorine in the water?" Sam complained the next day, making a face when he got to the edge of the pool.

"Glen did," Jazz told him. "He said he didn't want 'things' growing in it."

"Gross." That prospect was almost as bad as the chlorine stench. "He could've asked us first."

"Glen seemed adamant about it," Jazz said, crossing his arms. "I must say I have to agree with him about the health issues, Sam."

"Well... Guess it can't be helped now." Sam shrugged and dove into the pool.

Jazz waited a moment, then went around to the side of the base. It was still hot outside, despite it being late afternoon. Sam could very well stay in the pool for at least an hour. He leaped up onto the roof and settled down for a bit of surveillance.

* * *

"You need your cannons recalibrated again? Just how much time are you spending at the target range?

"I need the practice," Ironhide insisted.

"That's the only reason?" Ratchet asked, giving him a knowing look.

"Mph." he grunted, refusing to admit anything. "I still think my aim's a little off."

Ratchet shook his head and tended to both cannons. "--you didn't used to hide your feelings from me, old friend. In fact, there was a time you'd done the exact opposite."

Ironhide paused, thinking back. "Been a long time..."

"Too long, I think. Perhaps we should remedy that?"

He retracted his cannons, then smiled. "As Jazz would say, 'I'm all for it, if you are'."

Ratchet put his tools away, then pulled his large chest plate to one side and down, against his side. He watched Ironhide open his own chest armor from the middle before reaching out to haul him up against him. He heard a faint click as they locked together; he's almost forgotten that little trick of Ironhide's. Then their sparks merged. He was vaguely aware of his shoulders coming into contact with the metal floor with a dull thud, and he lay still as they shared each others' thoughts and memories. So, Ironhide had witnessed his and Maggie's first time. Times, that is. That would certainly explain the unexpected interest in her. Ratchet relaxed more, letting Ironhide explore further.

* * *

"Hello? Anyone here?" Maggie poked her head into the living room. Mikaela had gone out earlier to introduce Bumblebee to his first drive-in theater, and Optimus was probably off on his own again. There was no sign of Sam or Jazz, and she wondered what those two were up to. Ironhide...Ironhide was probably out testing his cannons again. She shrugged and went to see what new project Ratchet was working on.

She walked into the medical bay and stopped short. Ratchet was sprawled out on the floor, Ironhide on top of him, unmoving, their optics closed. And they appeared to be connected at the chest. "What...Oh..." As quietly as she could, Maggie started to retrace her steps to the door, not wanting to interrupt what had to be an intimate moment.

Ratchet's optics flicked open and he looked over at Maggie. "Stay?"

_I should go... I really should.._ she told herself, even as she gave a slight nod and inched closer to the pair. This was really just too fascinating to resist.

He shifted, which made Ironhide rumble, and held a hand out to her. Maggie climbed onto it and was lifted up a few feet, where she had a better view. She stared down at them, entranced. Their thick chest armor had been pulled away in order for them to join sparks. She sat there for a while, watching them as they lay there. Whatever it was they were doing, it was something internal, and produced a strong vibration, one that she could feel even through Ratchet's hand. It was also having an affect on her, Maggie realized, as she started squirming.

Ratchet curled his fingers to keep her from sliding off; her pheromone level had increased substantially in the last few minutes. Maggie sucked in a breath and gripped his thumb tightly. Ironhide sensed the third presence then, and released Ratchet. He looked very surprised to see her there, in Ratchet's hand.

"Hi..." Maggie couldn't think of anything else to say. They both looked at her a moment, then exchanged glances. She wondered what that silent communication was about, and noticed that she was rubbing Ratchet's thumb now. _God, I am so turned on... _Her face reddening, she immediately stopped. Ratchet lowered his hand and she hopped off.

They rose to their feet, and she caught a glimpse of their sparks before they closed their chest armor. They were so bright...and the same color as the Autobots' optics. Both Autobots changed to their vehicle modes and their holoforms appeared in front of her. It was the first time she's seen Ironhide's; she'd sat in the drivers' seat whenever he gave her a ride. His holoform looked a little like that guy from Gladiator. She couldn't think of his name. At this very moment, there was really only one thing on her mind, and she turned toward Ratchet.

Ironhide took charge then, pulling Maggie over to him and leaning down to kiss her. She dove into it eagerly, her hands gliding up muscular arms and over broad shoulders. He drew back for a moment to remove the clothes that were in his way. Maggie blinked at his abruptness. That was just like Ironhide -- quick and efficient. Just as quickly, he lifted her up and lowered her onto him. She whimpered, wrapping her arms around him tightly. Ironhide kept still for a long moment, while he processed the sensations of being inside of Maggie. After a few seconds she started to squirm, impatient, but he refused to be hurried.

Ratchet chose that moment to come up to her from behind. Maggie jerked in surprise when he pressed against her, and looked back at him. "Yes?" he asked her, pausing.

Her eyes widening, she nodded to him, and held her breath in anticipation. This was like a wild fantasy come true. He smiled, turning her head more and kissing her as he slowly pushed inside. Maggie winced at the initial discomfort, but it soon passed, and she shuddered as another wave of pleasure swept through her. Ironhide started to move then, slowly at first, drawing it out as Ratchet had done previous times.

"Ratch'..." Maggie moaned; she felt as if she was going to burst into flames.

Ratchet moved to the right side her neck as he matched Ironhide's pace, running his hands up and down her sides. Maggie's pulse was racing now.

Ironside concentrated on the left side, aware that it was a favorite spot, and heeding Ratchet's warning not to bruise her soft skin.

"...more." She tugged Ironhide's head up and kissed him, hard.

"...mpf..." Ironhide obeyed and moved faster, pushing her back against Ratchet, who kept up with him.

"...oh...yes!" Maggie cried out, writhing between them now.

Ratchet turned her face back toward him, kissing her fiercely as they both thrust deep. By scanning her vital signs, he knew that it would be any second now.

A moment later she peaked, letting out a short scream, then dropped her head against Ironhide's shoulder. A bright light bursting behind her eyelids was the last thing she saw.

"Maggie?"

"...mmm..." Maggie roused, opening her eyes and blinking dazedly. She found herself on the floor, nestled between Ratchet and Ironhide. "...did the earth move?"

"Not that my sensors indicated," Ironhide replied. "However, you were off-line for approximately twenty-four seconds."

"Yes." Ratchet nodded, and scanned her body again, making sure no harm had been done.

"Off-line... That's one way to describe it." She made no attempt to get up; her bones felt as if they'd melted away. "I think I'll just...stay here awhile."

"All right," Ironhide allowed, but thought that metal floors weren't the most comfortable surface for humans.

"Thanks." She smiled and stretched, thoroughly sated. "So...what number was that?"

"Twelve," they both said.

"I thought so," Maggie laughed, turning to kiss both of them.

Ratchet smiled and slipped an arm around her, drawing her closer to him. She rested her head on Ratchet's chest, reached out to grasp Ironhide's hand, and idly wondered what else required three participants.

They eventually moved to the bed.

* * *

"Jazz? You still around?"

Sam climbed out of the pool, before the water turned him into a prune. There was no answer, or any sign of the silver Autobot. Wondering where he went, Sam went inside to the shower room. That chlorine really stank. He stripped off his swim trunks and stepped into a stall. Fortunately, there was a bar of soap and a towel waiting for him on the shelf. _'Thank you, Glen', _Sam thought, as he turned on the water and washed his head first. He was in the middle of a second washing, to make sure all the chlorine was out of his hair, when the soap suddenly disappeared from his hand.

"...what the..." He started to rinse off and looked for the soap, then jumped when he felt a pair of hands on his back.

"Let me," a voice said.

"--Jazz?"

"Bingo. Mind if I help?" he asked, not waiting for a reply as he rubbed Sam's back with soap, tracing several small scars Sam had received during the Mission City battle.

"Uh..." Sam wiped the suds off his face. That felt good. That really felt good. "I thought you couldn't handle getting wet..."

"I can take it or leave it." Jazz said with a grin..

"Like with everything?"

"Not everything. With you, it's definitely the taking part." He continued rubbing in slow circles. "Don't worry, I'll get every inch."

_Every inch... _Sam swallowed hard, his body instantly reacting to that statement. Dammit, how was Jazz able to get under his skin like that? That question flew out of his head when Jazz boldly moved lower, to his bottom cheeks and upper thighs. His legs inched apart, almost on reflex. He gritted his teeth against a sudden urge to bang his own head against the wall. Why couldn't he just say 'no, I don't want your help' ...because it wouldn't be completely honest?

Jazz paused, judging Sam's body language, then smiled. Sam was definitely enjoying this. Now for the front. He reached around to wash Sam's chest and stomach, just happening to lean into him in the process. He could feel Sam suck in a breath as he did so.

"...you're relentless, you know that?" mumbled Sam, as he braced himself against the wall.

"Yeah, I've been told that a few times."

"...it's true.." His right hand inched toward his groin.

Jazz noticed the movement and leaned in even closer, his mouth next to Sam's ear. "Want some help with that?"

Sam shut his eyes for a few seconds, then surrendered, giving himself over to Jazz's very talented hands. "Yes."

He wrapped one hand around Sam's growing erection, applying just enough pressure and friction to make him groan, loudly. It didn't take long to drive him over the edge.

"Ja--Jazz!" Sam shouted his release.

Jazz loosened his grip, finishing with one more stroke before letting go. Sam sighed with relief and slumped back against him. Jazz waited; young human males tended to recharge quickly. A minute passed, then Sam straightened up and started to step away, and was pulled back. "You ready for some more?"

Sam gulped, both at the teasing tone and the hand that slid down to his butt. "I...don't know..."

"It won't hurt a bit," he said, recognizing the source of Sam's apprehension.

Sam's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "How do you know that?"

"Research, Sam. Thorough research." Jazz grinned. "Ratchet always says that it's the key."

"...uh-huh..." He rubbed the back of his head, wondering what all Jazz learned during his 'research'. He had to admit he was curious. More than curious. "--all right."

"Cool." He took a moment to access a few files. Preparation was very important, and was often done with a finger. Sometimes two.

"Guh!" Sam yelped and pushed back against Jazz's finger. Jesus, that felt like a jolt of electricity. "Damn, Jazz..."

"--did you like that?"

"..oh, yeah...Don't stop."

Jazz chuckled. "Whatever you say, Sam."

"...geez..." Sam groaned, growing aroused again as the finger was pushed in deeper. His hand again moved down to stroke himself. He felt a second finger being added, and he leaned his forehead against the shower wall, gasping in air. It was feeling really hot in here, and it wasn't just from the shower water. "Jazz..."

"Want me to stop?" he asked.

"No!"

"Okay." His human was rapidly turning into putty in his hands, figuratively speaking. He curled both fingers, aiming for just the right spot, and another shout burst from Sam. He removed his fingers then, as Sam leaned heavily against the wall.

"How're you...so good...at this?" Sam gasped.

"I downloaded from a bunch of gay porn websites," Jazz casually told him.

Sam turned his head to gape at him. "...you did?"

"Yup. I used Mikaela's computer." He looked abashed for a second. "I hope she didn't mind."

"Geez..." he muttered, finally able to catch his breath.

Jazz smiled slyly, and ran his hand up Sam's spine, watching his back muscles spasm. "Think you're up for even more?"

"Are you?" Sam retorted, unthinking.

Jazz's eyes gleamed at the challenge. "Absotively," he quipped, pressing up against Sam again.

Sam closed his eyes a moment. Jazz's 'body' was soothingly cool now against his heated skin, which felt damn good. It was almost as if Jazz could sense exactly what he was feeling now, and responded accordingly. Maybe he did know, thanks to all the research he'd done. "Yes.." Sam admitted. "I'm up for more."

"Me, too," Jazz said, in a more serious tone, and carefully positioned himself. Getting just the right angle was as important as the preparation. Sam shifted, trying to push back, but Jazz took a firm hold of his hips and slowly pressed forward.

"...ohmygod..." Sam planted both hands against the wall, groaning loudly as he felt Jazz inside him, and was instantly hard. Again. "...help..."

"You bet.." He reached around, grasping Sam's latest erection as he rocked into him in a steady rhythm. That left Sam free to push back against Jazz, and also forward into his hand. Jazz quickly adjusted to his movements. It was taking a little longer to bring Sam to a climax this time, and Jazz pushed harder and deeper. Sam tensed up, then a massive shudder wracked his body and he went limp against Jazz, who put both arms around him to keep him upright. "Sam?"

"...whoa..." Sam muttered a few seconds later, when his senses started to return. He felt like a wrung-out dish rag. "I'm ok..I think..."

"You sure?" Jazz slowly let go and stepped back.

"Yeah..." Sam turned around on wobbly legs. "Can you...do something for me?"

Jazz tilted his head. "Sure, Sam."

"Just... don't ask me if I'm ready for more again tonight."

"Hey, no problem," Jazz said cheerfully. "I can wait 'til tomorrow."


End file.
